I cannot tell you how tired I am of being told that “men and women are different” every time I have a conversation that revolves around one of the numerous gender-based double standards that invariably result in me not getting deep-throated in an anonymous, consequence-free environment like the men’s room at Laugh Factory! If only I had a nickel…
Anygag, the double-standards are inexhaustible.. I bet you could go back to the Stone Age and the first almost standing upright comic probably had a bit that went like this:
“Hey, buddy, you look woman-hole-whipped! I bet you’re the gatherer at your cave and SHE’S the hunterer! Dude, you put the ‘sap’ in ‘homo sapien’. You probably hold her animal skin-holdy-thing while she tries on skimpy animal skin foot coverings! Haha! I bet she clubbed YOU over the head and had sex with you when YOU were unconscious!!! These Upper Paleolithic women got ideas!!! Hahahahaa!! (please note that this joke endorses absolutely no previous knowledge of actual pre-history).
Unfortunately, as much as I chafe at the whole idea of men and women being fundamentally different, like gravity to physical movement, it’s been the most consistent, immutable, restrictive set of rules governing my entire life. It drives me fucking crazy. And it’s part of the reason gay comics have nothing to fucking talk about other than Judy Garland and how ‘technology is annoying’; they can’t delve into the antipodal nature of the sexes.
Take, for instance, the perplexing female obsession with SHOES and handbags.
What’s that you say? Women love shoes?! Come on, Bill, you can’t steal Jeff Foxworthy’s closer from 1987! You’re right, person in my head, so let’s start with that idea as a constant.
X= The female preoccupation with shoes that eludes 99.99% of all men.
Now, let’s solve for Y(the fuck these bitches love shoes)..
When I was living with my ex-girlfriend — a period in my life I call ‘oops’ — she always tried to recruit me into her cult of footwear fascination. One of the ways she did this was by showing me pictures of shoes on ebay.
“Oh my God, it’s a Manolo Blahnik mary jane, but look at the little daisy on the strap. This is soooooo cuuuuute! What do you think?”
